I feel genuine compassion for you. Compassion is a strange kind of empathic sensation that starts to appear once you drift away from the ghetto.

I just saw a BBC item reporting on the sex scandal you are caught in. Apparently you are threatening to sue the lady who claims to have been forced to sleep with you. You don’t get it, do you Alan? This is probably the biggest compliment you have ever received in your entire life- a woman who admits to spending a night with you.

If you can’t grasp how important this confession is, just take a brief look in the mirror Alan. You may even realise why it took the young lady more than a decade to recover.

However, Alan, listen to me carefully. I do not doubt that your understanding of legal matters is beyond superb, but in dealing with women, you are obviously clueless. What you need now is to gain public support and threatening a sexually abused woman with legal action is really the last thing you want to do.

At this stage, all you need do is get just one woman who is willing to claim that she willingly and voluntarily spent a night with you. Such an admission may help us to establish the idea that you are actually an ordinary human being and even a possible object of desire.

Also, instead of denying the allegations against you, use your reputation. You are known as a fib master; even Noam Chomsky labelled you a ‘remarkable liar.’ This is the time to celebrate your reputation. Instead of denying sleeping with one of Jeffrey Epstein’s girls, just own the experience. Tell us how great it was. Provide us with some juicy intimate details. Don’t worry, no one is going to believe you anyway, you will be vindicated immediately.

This is my tactical advice for today. I promise to follow the unfolding story and provide you with more help as the situation continues to develop. Be strong Alan, as you and I know, once the first bird twits, more will be quick to follow.

Yours Sincerely,

Gilad