A Fictional News Item by Gilad Atzmon

Professor Yehuda Kosher from Be’er Chosen University, Israel, announced today that he and his team may be close to uncovering the JNA (Jewish DNA) and may be able to isolate the Khazarian Sex Predator (KSP) gene.

Professor Kosher, Israel’s leading evolutionary psychoarcheologist and a renown advocate of applied Eugenics told The Jewish Scientific Daily (JSD) that the apparent physical resemblance between Woody Alan and Alan Dershowitz’s facial features gives new hope for a scientific break through. Said Kosher in reference to allegations against Alan Dershowitz, “we may be able, for the first time, to isolate the KSP gene, and later, hopefully, to eliminate it from the genus of our people.

Professor Kosher assured the JSD that he and his team have managed to construct computer simulations that prove an overwhelming facial resemblance between the two New York Jewish celebrities. The Israeli scientist expressed the hope that former Professor Dershowitz could be enticed to agree to an examination by Kosher and his Israeli team. Any resulting scientific procedures may help to ensure the safety of American female minors (gentile).

When asked by the Jewish Magazine why he didn’t heed the call made today by Rabbi Shmuley for Jews to lend their support to Dershowitz regardless of his alleged misconduct, Professor Kosher replied angrily, “I am a Zionist, a true devoted Zionist, in accordance with the spirit of our forefathers, Herzl, Jabotinsky, Weizmann and Nordau. I believe that Zionism’s primary mission was to develop a new Jew who would more closely resemble an ethical and civilized human being. Tracing our most problematic genes from biblical times to the present has been my life’s work. As a Zionist and a near academic, Dershowitz should support our effort and allow me and my team to examine his brain, measure his skull and decode his genetic makeup so that we can compare it to Woody’s Jeffrey Epstein, Roman Polanski and other ethically troubled characters both Jews and gentile. If Dershowitz is to be a true Zionist like me, he must support our effort to make the Jews look better.”